


Quidditch Through the Alternate Ages

by ClockworkChaos



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling, Star Trek, Star Trek: Alternate Original Series (Movies), Star Trek: The Original Series
Genre: Alternate Universe - Harry Potter Setting, Alternate Universe - Hogwarts, Commentary, Established Relationship, Fluff, Fluff and Humor, Gryffindor, Leonard "Bones" McCoy & Spock Friendship, One Shot, Quidditch, Slytherin, enterprise crew is a quidditch team, it's just spock and bones arguing, pike is trying to keep it together, spirk
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-03-24
Updated: 2019-03-24
Packaged: 2019-11-29 06:51:25
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,585
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18219680
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ClockworkChaos/pseuds/ClockworkChaos
Summary: “Mr. Spock, you have the mic.”James T. Kirk loves Quidditch. Normally he doesn’t pay attention to any of the commentary. However, that might change with Spock at the mic for the upcoming match.





	Quidditch Through the Alternate Ages

**Author's Note:**

> I think Spock and McCoy deserve their own talk show and this fanfic just indulges me. I wrote this with AOS in mind but it can be read as TOS. This one shot focuses on Spock and Bones' friendship but I love me some Spirk so I threw it into the mix. 
> 
> This was the Gryffindor team I was put together but no worries if you forget the moment you start reading. And the Slytherins are everyone else. 
> 
> Keeper - Scotty  
> Chaser - Nyota Uhura  
> Chaser - Carol Marcus  
> Chaser - Hikaru Sulu  
> Beater - Pavel Chekov  
> Beater - Janice Rand  
> Seeker - Jim Kirk
> 
>  
> 
> This is the first fanfic I've ever written and posted so I ask you to please be kind >.<
> 
> Disclaimer: I do not own Star Trek or Harry Potter, I’m not making any profit from this  
> Also, special shoutout to my bestie SG for being my beta :)

James Tiberius Kirk loved flying. He loved the feeling of soaring through the air, the wind in his face. He loved the rush of adrenaline pumping through his veins. He loved his Nimbus 1701. With it he felt like there was no place he couldn’t go. Although he preferred to fly alone (or with Spock), to anywhere at anytime he wanted, he absolutely loved Quidditch. He loved the smell of the Quidditch pitch. He loved his teammates. He loved working on new tactics. He loved competing for the House Cup. But, most of all, he loved the attention.  
Quidditch players were the closest thing Hogwarts had to celebrities. The castle practically emptied out when there was a Quidditch match underway. It was not unusual for all the students and faculty to come and show their support, even if their own house wasn’t competing. This especially rang true when the game was between rival houses; Gryffindor and Slytherin.  
When both teams walked onto the pitch, the stands erupted in applause... With banners flashing, people cheering, and horns blaring, it was pretty overwhelming. Luckily, Jim wasn’t one to shy from attention. Jim revelled in the applause.  
Mounting his broom, he flew up to the bleachers where most of the Gryffindors were seated. He gracefully leaned out towards the crowd and held out his hand, high fiving the closest spectators as he passed by. He then headed straight for the commentator’s box until he was hovering directly in front of his favorite bowl cut haired boyfriend.

“How’s my favorite little green bean doing?” He smiled warmly as Spock’s cheeks started to turn slightly green. 

“Jim, I have asked you to refrain from referring to me as a vegetable exactly sixteen times.”

“Sorry babe. I’m just excited that you’re doing the commentary for today’s match.”

“I am still unable to comprehend how exactly you were able to convince me to partake in such an activity. I am quite content to observe only.”

“You just can’t say no to me,” Jim said innocently. But Spock could detect a bit of smugness behind his words. 

“Indeed,” Spock agreed. 

“Ya nervous?” Jim asked. Despite the Jim’s nonchalant demeanor, Spock could tell that Jim was genuinely concerned that Spock was a bit too far out of his comfort zone. 

“Negative,” Spock answered honestly. 

“Well even if you are nervous, you have no reason to be worried. You will be great! And Bones is on his way to keep you company. He was helping out in the Hospital Wing again, but he should be here soon.” 

“I am not nervous,” Spock asserted. “But even if I was functioning below optimal levels it is unlikely that McCoy would assist in improving my state of mind.” 

“Oh please. You both love and support each other almost as much as you both love and support me. Even though neither of you will admit it or act on it in any shape or form...” 

“If you compare my regard for McCoy to my regard for you, I am afraid he will always, as you say ‘fall short’...” 

“Aww--,” Jim cooed. 

“...even if you are shorter than him by two point seven inches,” finished Spock. Jim sighed. 

“It’s a good thing I’m dating you for your good looks and not your sweet talk,” Jim said sarcastically. Although Spock was as dense as a flobberworm when it came to understanding the nuances of human behavior and speech, he could read Jim like a book and knew he was joking. Nevertheless, Spock concluded that he should shift the conversation away from Jim’s height. 

“However, I find it imperative to state that you are more aesthetically pleasing.” Even though Spock’s tone sounded like he just told Jim the weather, Jim blushed and smiled brightly. 

“You are adorable,” said Jim as he leaned forward to kiss Spock. However, he paused when he heard a loud cough slightly to the right of Spock’s head. He glanced up to Professor Pike who had appeared behind Spock. 

“Alright Kirk that’s enough. The match is about to start.” 

“Yeah, yeah, sorry. I’m going already,” Jim said nonchalantly. He smiled at Pike and then turned back to Spock. “Good luck commentating.” And with that he booped Spock on the nose and flew into position with the rest of his team, waiting for the match to begin. 

The whistle blew.  


“The snitch has been released and Madam Paris has released the Quaffle... It is caught by Gryffindor’s chaser, Hikaru Sulu,” Spock began in his usual monotone voice. “While his focus and speed to reach the goal posts is commendable, he is either ignoring or unaware that he is being closely pursued by a bludger… However that is no longer relevant since Pavel Chekov was able to intercept and deflect the bludger.” Spock paused to watch Sulu speeding across the pitch before continuing. “The Quaffle is now in the possession of Slytherin chaser Janice Lester. Based on Sulu’s flight pattern, we can deduce that it was his intention to give his teammate Nyota Uhura access to the Quaffle. However, his attempt was intercepted by Ben Finney, who then passed the Quaffle to Lester… Lester is now heading for the goal posts at an alarming speed.” The crowd held their breath as she took the shot.  
“A adequate save by keeper Montgomery Scott. Two point three weeks ago Scotty expressed frustration towards his broom’s speed. He believed that he could increase his velocity by adjusting—.”

“Mr. Spock! There is no need to analyze.” Interrupted Professor Pike. 

“Professor, I believe it would benefit the viewers if they were made aware of Scotty’s stratagems and how he was able to increase his broom’s velocity by twelve point four percent by adjusting how he positioned—.”  


“Mr. Spock! There’s no need to be that thorough. Talk about what is happening in the actual moment,” Professor Pike said sternly.

“Yes Professor. I will endeavor to do so,” Spock said before continuing. “It would appear that Slytherin’s seeker, Gary Mitchell has seen the location of the snitch. Otherwise his decision to fly towards the Slytherin goal posts at that velocity would be highly illogical. Although it is quite early in the game for the snitch to be sighted, it is comprehendible considering the bright sun and cloudless sky. Due to the nature of the snitch’s reflective surface it will be thirty seven point eight percent easier to detect.” 

“Mr. Spock you are getting off topic, again,” Professor Pike stated. 

“Quite the contrary professor, these facts are completely relevant to—.”

“Mr. Spock.” 

Spock cleared his throat before continuing. “It would appear that Mitchell has lost sight of the snitch. This occurred as a result of a superfluous maneuver he made to avoid a bludger aimed at him by beater Janice Rand. As a result of Rand’s expert aim, Mitchell had no other alternative but to evade. Had he ignored it, there would have been an eighty two point five percent chance that he would have had to be brought to the Hospital Wing with a fracture to his scapula’s anterior coracoid process. However, his unnecessary extravagant movements resulted in him losing sight of the snitch. If he refrained from such excessive flying tactics, his ability to find the snitch would increase by thirty point eight percent.” Spock heard Professor Pike sigh loudly behind him, but he continued regardless.  
“On the opposing team, the beater Roger Korby is not nearly as skilled. He just made an attempt to aim a bludger at Gryffindor chaser Uhura and missed by four point seven feet. Although with Uhura’s superior reflexes I do not believe Korby could be a real threa—.” 

“Mr. Spock! Your commentary needs to be more neutral,” Professor Pike interrupted again. 

“I do not understand. Everything I have said is factual—.” Spock remarked. 

“Forget it, just get back to the match.” Pike sighed again. 

“Yes sir. The Quaffle is passed from Carol Marcus to Uhura...back to Marcus. She is nearing the goal. The Slytherin beaters are unable to slow them down. It is clear that their current desperation is detrimental to their accuracy. One bludger was sent far too high above the Gryffindor chasers. Another seems to be headed straight for the commentary bo---.” 

“SPOCK! DUCK!” A difference voice rang out. 

“I fail to see any kind of water fowl could be rhmph—.” Spock is stopped abruptly as he felt someone manhandling him from the side causing him to fall backwards onto the floor. A few seconds later a bludger went hurtling past the commentary box before abruptly changing its direction back towards the pitch. 

“Merlin’s beard, Spock, you almost got your skull crushed! You’re welcome by the way,” Spock opened his eyes to see Leonard McCoy laying right on top of him. 

“Highly unlikely.” Spock said as he pushed McCoy off his body and moved himself into a more dignified sitting position, while McCoy stayed flat on his back. “At the velocity that bludger was moving at, there would have been a eighty nine point eight percent chance of causing a concussion rather than permanent trauma to my frontal lobe. I believe it is relevant to mention that I was also preparing to evade said bludger until you tackled me to the ground.” 

“Why do I even bother?” McCoy scowled. 

“You boys okay?” asked Professor Pike. 

“I am unharmed.” said Spock casually as he stood up straightening his robes. 

“And who do you have to thank for that?” McCoy snapped, immediately jumping up and glaring at the vulcan, their noses only millimeters a part. 

“Alright you two. Drop it,” barked Professor Pike. 

“What purpose would dropping the microphone serve?” Spock asked. Professor Pike silently counted to ten. 

“Mr. Spock please continue with the commentary.” Pike said as calmly as possible. Spock nodded and turned back towards the game. 

“My apologies for the interruption. Sulu has the Quaffle. He passes it to Uhura... She passes it to Marcus, who is now heading straight for Slytherin’s left goal post… She is taking the shot... Unfortunately several factors occurred causing Marcus to miss the goal.” One side of the stands was howling and jeering with amusement, while the other side collectively groaned.  
“Although the opportunity has passed, I believe it is relevant to point out that based on the current wind chill blowing from the northwest at approximately twelve point three knots per hour, she would have needed to aim eleven point seven degrees--.” 

“Mr. Spock. The match!” hollered an exasperated Professor Pike. 

“Yes professor that is what I am currently commenting on. As I was about to explain, the accuracy of her throw—.” 

“Spock! No one gives a shit about that. Just keep commentating on the game,” McCoy said impatiently. 

“I do not understand why you feel the need to remind me of the task that I am trying to accomplish.” 

“Oh for Merlin’s sake! Just gimme the mic!” Yelled McCoy as he lunged at Spock. 

The following commentary (if you can even call it that) that the listeners were subjected to were the sounds of scuffling and muffled words.  
“Why you green blooded—.”

“--oy this is highly inappropri—.” 

“Ugh...just gimme the stupid—.” 

“I insist that you cease yo—.” 

“—hobgoblin!” 

“Resorting to name calling—.” 

“— give a damn about your—.” 

“— attempts to obtain—.” 

“--Dammit Spock!” 

“--- illogical--.” 

“Arrghhh.” 

“Making incoherent sounds will not cause me to relinquish—.” 

“THAT IS ENOUGH!” Professor Pike’s voice boomed out. “Mr. Spock just give Mr. McCoy the mic.” 

“Professor, I highly recommend—.” 

“Are you disobeying my orders?” 

“No sir.” Spock submitted. After a “thump” from the mic that signaled the mic being handed over, McCoy’s voice rang out. 

“Uh well it’s about time. Hey! Don’t go raising your damn eyebrow at me you green blooded hob---. ”

“Mr. McCoy,” Professor Pike barked. “Don’t make me give the mic back to Mr. Spock.” 

“Yes sir. Anyway back to the game. Hmm...lets see where are we..?”

“We are obviously at the Quidditch pitch.” Spock said flatly in the background. 

“Spock do you think you could keep your mouth shut for a minute?” McCoy snapped. 

“I assume that is a rhetorical question.” 

“Why I oughta—.”

“Mr. McCoy!” Professor Pike almost shouted. Almost. 

McCoy huffed out a frustrated breath. “Anyway… Slytherin has the Quaffle. Greeaaat… c’mon Gryffindor get your shit together. Oh thank god, Uhura steals back the Quaffle, immediately passes it to Sulu. And there he goes like a niffler who just spotted a shiny galleon.” 

For those who were actually still listening close enough to the commentary, they could hear Spock’s voice in the background. “I fail to see how comparing Sulu to a small avaricious creature is relevant to this situation, but discussing Scotty’s flying tactics is not.” 

“He’s going for the goal. He shoots… He scores! Nice one Sulu!” The Gryffindor side of the bleachers started to cheer. “Shit. Now I owe Sulu a butter beer. I bet him that Uhura was going to make the first goal of the game.” 

“McCoy I must say I highly disapprove of you and Sulu partaking in such a questionable activity. It is highly illogica--.” 

McCoy cut him off. “Ya know Spock? One of these days I’m gonna take that stupid logic of yours and shove it up your—.” 

“McCoy!” Pike interrupted angrily. 

“Sorry sir. As I was saying… Gryffindor is still in possession of the Quaff..ah goddammit. A stupid bludger made Uhura lose it. Hey Chekov! Rand! What do ya think you’re doing? That’s your job!” McCoy yelled. Professor Pike couldn’t roll his eyes far back enough. 

“Ah crap, Slytherin has the Quaffle. Finney is almost at the goal. C’mon drop it already! Dammit he’s gonna score. He shoots and..pleasedon’tscorepleasedon’tscore… HE DOESN’T SCORE ! Ha ha take that Finney! Awesome save Scotty. Hot damn I’d a thought he apparated in just the right spot.” 

Unsurprised to nobody, Spock leaned towards the mic and chimed in. “Like I was saying before. Scotty has made several adjustments to improve his velocit—.” 

“Spock! Git outta my breathing space,” McCoy fussed as he tried to maneuver the mic away from Spock. 

“I do not understand how you expect me to vacate from the atmosphere--.” 

“Kiss my ass, hobgoblin!” McCoy interrupted. 

“Such an action would be both abhorrent and unsanitary.” Out of his peripheral vision, Spock observed Pike doing what Jim always referred to as a “face palm.” 

The rest of the match continued on like any other. No one was surprised when Gryffindor won. They hadn’t lost a match since Jim Kirk became their new seeker. As the final blow of the whistle sounded signaling the end of the game, Pike let out a deflated sigh, which was half frustration and half relief. Maybe he will do the commentary for the next match himself. 

Jim rounded his last victory lap with his team, he peeled off and headed toward the commentators box. He stopped short when he saw that Pike was still there talking to Spock and Bones. Although he could only see Pike’s back it was obvious that he was giving the two boys a stern lecture. Spock stood with his hands clasped behind his back and his eyebrow raised. Bones stood next to him with his arms crossed and his perpetual grimace in place. Jim chuckled to himself before turning around and gliding in the direction of the locker rooms. When he entered he was greeted with cheers and shouts of triumph from his teammates. Winning felt great, but his new favorite part about Quidditch was definitely the commentary.


End file.
